We’d Rather Masturbate To Pictures Of Living Instead Of Actually Living

Everyone loves a good success story or sports team or fictional hero. This is because we can identify with the elevation just enough to feel that it could actually be ourselves in that role. We can also conveniently avoid the hard work or suffering it took to achieve that status of success. But the essential reality of it, as far as we’re concerned, only takes place in our genius of a mind.

I think it’s perfectly human to dream and it can be healthy too. My kids used to role play when they were younger and it often involved doing something their undeveloped selves were incapable of yet doing. My daughter would walk around the house pretending to clean it while animatedly talking to a pretend friend with a toy phone. (Kids can be an entertaining reflection of their parents.)

My own daydreams can give me a glimpse into the desires of my deepest soul. They often thankfully point the way to the direction I’d like to go. Gurus teach us to discover those soul dreams and manipulate the mind so that positive actions will naturally follow….

But I’ve also noticed that my hopes and dreams can be entirely misleading.

When we fear failure or taking risks or anything really, we’ve always got the mind to create the dream world we are too shy, or too incapable, to live. And we’ve got all kinds of virtual reality to make it happen. Social networks, World of Warcraft and fantasy sports teams take us a step beyond TV shows and movies with user interaction. But still, behind the safety of a home monitor we can be anything a profit-making producer can help us imagine. Yeah, this might be just a little disturbing.

I first started thinking about this fictitious “mind world” when I realized how often I judge between what I consider good and evil. Even when I’m making my bed in the morning I like to place the “good” pillows on top of the ones that aren’t as pretty. I took a considerable amount of time to pick out bedding that I thought was beautiful even though I am the only one that sees it. [Okay, so I’m not getting any sex.] Designer shams, I hope, are either a reflection of me, or the reflection of me I’d like to see.

I label things good or bad so often that the judgment seems to mostly occur on a subconscious level until I notice them. Here are some more examples:

Sunshine:  Good.

Rain:  Bad.

A grande decaf double almond latte:  Good.

A big brown bear with claws, crossing my bike path:  Bad.

Misunderstanding the project assignment but having to present my project to the rest of the class anyway:  Bad – – Really, really bad.

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My kids will inevitably hold a different good/bad opinion from each other on any given object:

What do you think of broccoflower?

Kid#1:  Bad.

Kid#2:  Good.

Kid#3:  Good and bad.

Kid#4:  What kind of a question is that?

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Churches are notorious for conforming to the same opinion of good and bad:

Feel-good praise and worship song:  Good.

The Democratic party:  Bad.

Bigger and better church buildings:  Good.

Pastor Rob Bell: The spawn of Satan.

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It becomes even more intriguing when I realize how much I change my mind about good and bad (now that I have the freedom to do so.) I’ve run the gamut of opinions when it comes to the Bible. To me, it was once God’s gift from heaven, “the solid rock” on which I stand. Then it was just mere ink and pages written by imperfect human beings. Now I think the Bible is whatever I want to make of it. I hold the power of my own beliefs – just like everyone else.

How do we form our beliefs of good and bad? If we are a kid, they probably have to do with how fast that belief can get us what we want right now. If a female, they might be based on our capricious feelings of the moment. For a guy, maybe they’re all about the world’s shortest answer.

But where do our thoughts and feelings originate? From the moment of birth when we’re wondering what the hell just happened, our newborn senses start taking in information. Then they help us determine just how loud we’d like to cry. In other words, our environment together with our human faculties (among other possible factors) have everything to do with our beliefs. Don’t think about this too much unless you’d like to lose three consecutive nights of sleep before going mentally insane.

I remember when I considered for the first time that I might only be half way in control of my own self. And the half that belonged to me was also in question. Let’s just say that I resisted this idea as quickly as it showed up. I couldn’t have such a threat messing up my life as well as my own created mind world where I could retreat in comfort and safety any time I wanted. I was the queen of my land, and I wanted to keep it that way.

Little do I know, I am not in control but instead, certain ideals of good and bad are controlling me. I do all I can to make sure I have a good day and put in just as much energy to avoid the bad ones. And it’s all done to feed the matrix that confines me. I might no longer be a slave to church, but I am still a slave to my definitions of good and bad. So I create my own little world accordingly. But my world might not be true – it might only be what I think is true, or want to be true.

Maybe it goes without saying (and you know I’m going to say it anyway), my prior belief in the traditional Christian doctrine of hell required a fair amount of detachment from reality, in my opinion. How else could we embrace the idea of people, possibly including our own loved ones, being tortured?

Christians in general might have the opposite view:  To reject hell is to reject harsh reality.  I actually think this is a good point, especially if we each believe what we want to believe.

But the fact remains. We believe what we want to believe. How do we know we are not creating a fictitious world with our beliefs? Do we think that the more people who believe our truth, the more true it will become? Is it possible that our beliefs are only true as much as we believe them? What if there is a more ultimate truth?

Subjectivity has a funny way of disguising itself as objectivity. We can’t disrupt our perfect dream of heaven in which our good self is rewarded with a jeweled crown; meanwhile, all of the people who threaten to destroy that dream are being tortured.

This hasn’t only been true for me as a Christian, but I still carry a subconscious escape world with me without even realizing it. In my world, I’ve got everything categorized and labeled with good, bad and any other adjective at my service. In my insecurity, I make sure that everyone else can see my good while I attempt to keep my bad as far away from me as possible. This way, everything looks a lot different than what it really is….

More importantly than what we believe might be how in tune we are with what we believe. Ghandi said,

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

It is so frustrating to try to live in a feigned world, or to attempt to become someone that I’m not. Reality and real life experience becomes a threat and I have to work hard to “prove” them wrong. Being stressed out or trying to convince myself of certain “facts” are sure signs that my ideals and actuality are not matching up. What is actuality? Personally, I think it is the real self, in all of its subjective glory.

Daring to live out of my inner soul is where I long to be. Fear is quite an obstacle, however. This is why I suspect that judging outwardly between good, bad or other discriminatory judgments puts a face on my timidity, and can keep me from that inner alchemy. Of course, even my human fear is a necessary part of the process toward attaining peace deep within. Only I’d like to conquer it.

So often when I get to the end of a blog post I’ve written, I’m tempted to delete it and have done so. Posting my thoughts (especially as they are becoming more honest) to the world wide web brings out plenty of hidden insecurities in me. During those moments, and others where I’d like to hide under a rock for about fifty years, I just have to shrug that heavy weight off of my shoulders.

To put this in other words, I’d like to appreciate all things as some form of good, understanding that everything has a good purpose. I don’t have to try so hard to avoid or shun the “bad” or those things that make me feel really uncomfortable. It is also my hope, whether beneficial or damaging, that I have the courage to accept my real beliefs, which are my real desires. I think this would be truly living life, or simply being awakened to what I already possess within and all around me.

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way. ” ~ Paulo Coelho, Brida

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